Forgiveness

     My husband and I fought last night.  It was a big one.  And I just hate those because when I am in the middle of it, I usually have no idea how it is going to get resolved.  I know I say things I shouldn't and overreact to things he says.  Last night was not any different.  When I am in that place, I really just want to walk away from the fight and forget it happened.  That isn't really practical and unresolved feelings would just rear their ugly heads eventually.
     But sometimes, you do need a break from the argument.  And last night in that break I was thinking about what kind of wife I am.  Am I the kind of wife I should be?  The kind of wife God calls me to be.  And so I went to look at the chapter on this.  You probably know the one.  Proverbs 31.  I hear it all the time and there are websites and talk shows on it.  To be honest, I have never really studied it.  And last night when I went to look at it, I had in my head Psalms 31 which I realized quite quickly wasn't the right reference but couldn't for the life of me remember what the correct one was.  And it didn't matter at that point, because what I really needed to read at that moment was Psalm 31 and as I read it I realized that God put that on my heart to read. 
     What I read was "For you are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me." Ps 31:3  I was definitely needing some guidance.
     Then the heading to Psalm 32 caught my attention "The Joy of Forgiveness".   And the first verse is "Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.  Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit."
Forgiveness.  Such a hard thing.  So amazing that our God so easily forgives us for everything we do and yet it is so hard to follow His example.  Whether actively forgiving someone or asking them for forgiveness, it took me a long time to realize that often it is a choice we have to make before the actual act.  It is against our sinful nature.  When someone has wronged us, we want justice.  That's what our heart tells us.  But God calls us to forgive.  He calls us to forgive 7 times 70.  My head knows that but my heart aches with not wanting to give in to it.  I want the offending party to ask for it.  I want them to say "I am sorry" first.  I don't want to be the one to give in and say it.  But when I feel called to forgive and I make the head decision to do it, my heart always follows. 
     Then as I read the footnotes, it said "no matter who else is hurt, the principal offense of any sin is always against the Lord."
     That really spoke to me.  When I am hurting my husband I am sinning against God.  For some reason it is easier for me to ask forgiveness of God.  Maybe because I know that He is perfect and He has never wronged me.  He is always right, I am always the wrong one. 
     Here's the thing, when you ask God to forgive you first, He changes your heart.  I don't have to work so hard at asking my husband to forgive me or to even forgive him before he asks for it, God does that in me.  And He did it in me.  And it was then that we were able to resolve our argument. 
     And I really hope this is a lesson I remember for next time.  One I should already know.  One I have been trying to practice more of.  Pray.  Pray. Pray.  In every situation.  Pray.