Time

Time is a funny thing.  Sometimes we want it to go faster, sometimes we want it to slow down, sometimes we want it to just stop to savor the moment, sometimes we want to go backwards to relive or redo something, sometimes we wish we could just to the future.
Time.  When I got the news my friend Gloria had died in a car accident, it felt like time stood still.  Then all I wanted with her was more time.  More time to tell her all those important things that you think but often don't say.  Things like thank you for being my friend, for growing with me, for changing me, for being there when I suffered heartbreak and for laughing with me, for standing by my side when I got married, for encouraging me in all the important things.  Time with Glo was taken away in a heartbeat.  And I always wished I had one last moment with her to tell her all those things, or even just one thing more.  It doesn't matter that I know she knew it, I still wish I had a chance to say goodbye.  It is now 10 years later and my mom has terminal cancer. 
So right now, time is my enemy with my mom.  Time means the cancer is eating away at her, growing, gaining ground, invading more areas of her body.  Time is short.  We were told she might only live a few weeks if chemo didn't work and at most probably 8 months.  Time...right now she can function, drive, run errands.  But there will come a time when she will be too weak to do anything, to go to grandkids' functions, to take care of herself.
But time is also on my side.  Because I have it.  Because she wasn't taken away in a heartbeat.  Because God has granted me the chance to say the things I need to say, the time to develop lasting memories for my children, to work on her legacy.  Time for her to see her true value and the impact she has had on people's lives.  Time for God to do His work in the hearts of those who don't know Him.  Time for me to hear her voice, see her with my kids, watch her laugh or cry. 
Time.  Such a funny thing.  I can honestly say I look forward to the day when time doesn't matter.  When it doesn't have such a strong hold on my life.  But until that day comes, I will try to appreciate the time I have with her.  The hours, minutes, seconds that we get.  Each and every one of them is a gift, a precious gift and I am so grateful for it. 

Why I am back

At the beginning of this year, I was feeling quite overwhelmed with life.  The idea of the blog starting stressing me out which is sort of ridiculous.  At the time, I felt like I didn't have anything to contribute and it was just adding to my list of things I wasn't getting accomplished each day.  So after some prayer about it, I just stopped.  It was actually easier than I thought.  I thought I would miss it.  When I was blogging, I would write the postings in my head on my way to work.  Sometimes they actually got written out and sometimes not.  But when I stopped blogging, that kind of just stopped.
Until recently.   There has been so much going on in my life it makes me sort of laugh at what I thought was busy then and what is busy to me know just a mere 10 months later.
Amazing what a difference 10 months makes.  How drastically your life can change in no time at all. Things happen that you don't prepare for, cannot prepare for.
Anyone who reads this knows my mom has cancer.  Stage 4 lung cancer with metastasis to her liver and bone.  We got the diagnosis in mid-September and it has been a whirlwind since that time.  A craziness of doctors appointments, hospital visits, trips to the pharmacy, extra cooking, cleaning, running errands. 
I am not writing that for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am actually embracing the crazy, embracing the busy because it is easier.  It is easier to keep my hands from being idle so my heart doesn't have time to hurt, to think...
Obviously I have a lot to process.  And my brain has started up again.  Writing blog posts in my head to/from work.  So here I am.  I don't know where this is going to lead or how often I will actually write or if anyone will even read it.  But for me, this journey that I am on, needs to be written out.  There is so much going on, so much happening too fast that I don't know if I will remember it all.  But you see my time with my mom is short, shorter than I ever anticipated, probably shorter than I am willing to come to terms with at this very moment and I need to remember.  I need to remember her grace and peace, her rescuing me with my kids, going to soccer games and piano lessons, my kids cuddling on the couch with her, or watching as we shave her head....all of these moments are passing by.  Moments I would not have stopped to noticed before but that are so precious now. 
So here I am, sharing my journey.  My journey where my mom is going to die.  I realize that is blunt but it is the truth I have to face every day. 
Don't let that stop you though from reading.  It might be hard but what I have seen so far is amazing.  I want to share not just my journey but my mom's.  What God has done is a miracle to me and I can't wait to share it.
Stay tuned.

My heart hurts

Today is a day that is hard.  Hard to not think about the future and what that means.  I have lived my life looking forward to the future.  It so often has good things coming.  Like in a couple of weeks I get to go back to Philadelphia and watch a good friend get married.  We are talking about a trip to Hawaii in the future.  Soccer ends soon, that is kind of nice.  My daughter has her first piano recital in 2 weeks.... 
But then I start thinking about 6 months from now, a year from now...and my heart starts squeezing and the tears start coming because my mom is dying.  My mom has cancer and I don't know if she will be here then.  If she will be here when the sun starts shining again in Oregon, when my daughter graduates from kindergarten, to watch my son play soccer again next year, or watch the kids play in a pool.
My mom has cancer and it hurts so much sometimes that I can hardly breathe. 

2012

Well, here it is, a new year.  It is hard to believe how quickly the past year came and went and here we are, starting over again. 
Last year, I made monthly goals.  I enjoyed doing that.  It made me think of small changes and helped me stick with them as it was short term.  I seem to have trouble these days doing anything long term. 
But this year, I decided to make year long goals.  Not sure why except there are some things I want to accomplish that I can't do in a month.  So here goes:
Read the Bible.  The whole thing.  I am pretty good at starting out getting through the Bible and then somewhere in the middle, I get so far behind my plan that I give up.  But I am going to make a real effort this year.  For my out, if I get so behind that I can't make it through the whole Bible, I will be happy with finishing one of the Testaments.  Which one?  I don't know yet.
Read More, Read Better. I love to read.  I can get a little obsessed with reading (although not the Bible as you can see from my previous goal).  I stay up until 3 in the morning and have to get up at 5 kind of reading.  But I don't have the money to buy books and I don't take the time to go to the library.  So I am stuck reading books that other people have and I can borrow.  I am not saying I don't enjoy these books, but I am not sure they are edifying to my soul kind of books.  My hope this year is that I will make better choices and spend less time watching tv to do it. 
Not Ignore My Husband.  So this kind of goes with the above 2 things.  And also, I got a Kindle for my birthday.  I am sort of on the fence about the Kindle but I will say it does a couple of things for me.  Keeps the Bible with me at my spot so making it easier to read.  Gives me more freedom with the choices I can make for better reading.  But making reading convenient can be a negative as well.  I need to find the time and place to read, without it 1)becoming an obsession and 2)taking my attention away from my obligations and my family
Lose 5 pounds.  Yes I am giving myself a year for this.  Because my weight bounces around a lot but I took time off of exercising due to various health things and I want to get back into a regular routine and knock off a few pounds.  This also means eating better.
Be Intentional about Changes I make for my Family.  This mostly is for my grocery shopping.  I try to save money by couponing but I also have this desire to feed my family better.  Sometimes those 2 things don't go hand in hand.  I realize that last year I tried really hard to make a lot of changes and felt like a chicken running around with its head cut off (it really does do that by the way, I've seen it!).  I really want this year to be a year where I make lasting changes but changes that I can live with.  Not try to do everything at once like I did last year.  For this year, I would like to buy more organic, get out of buying foods with GMO products in them, and continue to make more whole healthy foods.  I am not going to start grinding my own wheat or raising my own chickens.  But having just a couple of things to focus on, will help me make lasting changes.  Once those become easy and routine, I will make more changes. 
Start an Etsy Shop. This one I am not so sure about except I had a lot of fun making hats for my daughters friends and would like to continue or make blankets.  I have lots of yarn so can start anytime.  But it might cut into my reading time:-)
Pay off our car!  Our car payment has been the bane of my existence for several years.  I am so ready to be done with it and have that money to put toward other things.  Paying it off might be difficult this year and I am hoping to scrimp in other areas to help make this happen.  Our budget is already pretty tight but we'll see.  It will be a huge relief to have it be done with.
Thoroughly Clean and Organize my House. I get little corners done here and there but it needs a real overhaul cleaning.  We are trying to reorganize the kids' rooms so this will help.  We have a small house and lots of stuff.  That doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room.
Pray More.  I go through spurts with this but over the holidays, was very bad.  Praying keeps me focused on God and on others.  When I give this up, my focus is on myself and low and behold, I am less content.

That seems to be all at this time.  There might be more that I add later.  I am looking forward to this year.  I feel changes coming but am not sure what or when.  But also am feeling called to be content.  God has me where I am now and I want to be in the moment of things.  Not looking too far ahead.

Current obsession

 This past week when I should have been finishing getting my house ready for Christmas and company, I decided to crochet some hats.  I was making some for my daughters friends and they turned out so well, I decided to make some for a friends' daughters from church.  Then I went on to make one for our babysitter's daughter.  I love the flower.  It adds so much to the hat!
The pictures don't quite do them justice b/c the color doesn't come through as vibrant as they are in real life but you get the gist.
These 2 were for sisters at church whom I had made baby blankets for.  I used the leftover yarn to make the hats.  









 This one was for our sitter's daughter.  I also made her a pink blanket so it goes with that.

After Christmas, I am going to seriously consider selling these on Etsy.  And I might have to make my daughters another hat with a flower.  Maybe for spring.

Can you smell the rain?

This doesn't happen as much in Oregon, but in Utah and Kansas where I grew up, you could smell the rain coming.  In the summer, when it was dry and hot and you got that whiff...it was so exciting to know it was about to downpour.  To cool things off, settle the dust.  A pouring rain in the hot summer months is a great thing for a child to play in.  I loved it!
It also meant change.  A small change maybe.  A brief change probably.  But a change.  And when you have had days and days of dry weather, a change can be good.
I can honestly say, that the past few years has been the least amount of change I have experienced in a long time.  We have been very stable.  We have lived in the same house, had the same number of children, the same jobs, the same cars.  I am not saying this to complain.  Believe me.  It has been nice to settle into some sort of routine. 
But I know life.  And I know how God works in my life.  Often, when I am feeling stable and settled is when He shakes things up a bit. 
I don't exactly know if that is happening in my life right now.  There are a couple of things my husband and I are praying about, some decisions we need to make.  I don't know where God is going to take us but, these decisions have gotten me thinking about my life.  My desires, things I want to accomplish, actions I want to take. 
There are a lot of things on those lists.  Too many things on those lists really.  As a working mom, as a mom, there is so much busyness.  There are so many things that we strive to achieve.  But realistically we cannot do it all.  We read blogs and wonder why we can't have it all together.  I wish I could be crafty and pull out amazing things for my kids to occupy their time, or grind my own flour and make my own bread, or take them to music lessons, swim lessons, the library....it goes on and on but it is impossible for me to do everything that I want to do. 
So instead of feeling like I am failing at doing lots of things, I need to sit down and figure out what few things I can do that are the right things.
This blog is one of those things.  I started it out as a way to journal some of my crazy thoughts as a working mom.  But I am not sure where it is going.  I am not even sure I have time to do it.  Is it something that is beneficial for me to continue?  And if I continue, what do I want my focus to be.  I have a friend who is an amazing blogger.  Her posts make me laugh and cry and stop and breathe.  She is amazing!  Truly, if you are looking for a new blog to read, check hers out.  But I am feeling super unfocused here and while I realize I will never be an amazing writer and I have no aspirations for this to become something huge, I need to know if it is truly something I should be doing.  
So, for those 2 of you who read this:-)  I would love your prayers and I will update as I get a few things sorted out. 

I went to Winco

I did.  On the second of the month.  I thought I was safe.  I avoided the first day of the month.  You know, the day people get their government money and go to Winco and buy cartloads of food.  I avoid it every month.  But I did go yesterday and that was a mistake.  It was busy and I got a baaaaddd attitude about it.  I realized that I need to avoid going on those days because of my attitude.  Not because of other people.
Generally, I understand that there are people out there who need assistance.  And I feel that to whom much is given, much is expected.  I grew up with a single mom who would have benefited from food stamps.  There were times where she was scrounging around the house for change to buy bread or milk to get us through the week.  We never went hungry but it was a stress for all of us.
So I understand that people struggle financially.  That people need help to put food on the table so their kids don't go hungry. 
What I struggle is when I see people who use government assistance because they don't have a job or can't work but when I see them using the assistance in an extravagant way.  Then I become judgemental.  This is where it is my problem.  What they do with the money God has provided for them should really be between them and God.  And I need to be a good steward of what God has given me.  And not to get bitter about what I have which honestly, sometimes seems less than what they have. 
But last night, God reminded me of how good I truly have it and that what I have is not even my own.
I just started reading Acts and what I read last night was "Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need." Acts 2:44-45
As anyone had need....I have no idea what other people are going through when I see them in the store or in my clinic.  I don't know why they can't work or why they struggle, and I shouldn't really need to know.  God shows us His model of how we are supposed to behave.  How we are supposed to give.  He puts things on our hearts. 
God calls us to be generous.  He calls us to give back.  He calls us to have compassionate hearts and to pray for people. 
It's really easy to get caught up in money.  But it is such a trap and it is temporary.  What I have today could be gone in an instant.  That is not what will sustain me.
I am grateful that He puts this reminder on my heart.  That in obeying Him by reading the Word (something I really struggle with), my heart changed.  And helped me see areas of where I need to pray.