16 years

     When I was a sophomore in college, I was struggling with a lot of things one of which was being single.  I had no idea what I wanted in a man or how to get it or the patience to wait for God to show me.  I just knew I was alone and had a poor relationship with my father and no hope that I would ever be in a place mentally where anyone would want me.
     On a particularly bad day, I sat in my room and cried.  It was a rainy icky day.  My roommate was gone and I had a rare moment of quiet time to just sit there and let it all out.  Because sometimes, as women, we just really need that. 
     Then a rainbow appeared outside my window.  I love rainbows.  They always seem so full of hope.  Then I felt God's hand just filling my heart with peace.  Filling my heart with the promise of someone who would love me, faults and all.  In fact, He promised that this man was at George Fox and that He was shaping and molding him while doing the same to me.  We weren't ready for each other yet.  And I felt calm.  And I wrote a list.  A list of all the attributes I wanted in the man I would spend my life with.
     When God brought Adam back into my life my senior year and we started dating, I looked at the list and he fit every single thing on there.  Every one.  I didn't have to take any of the attributes and try to make him fit into it, because he already did.  And I knew he was the love of my life. 
     Today we have been married for 16 years.  Sometimes I feel I know less about marriage today than I did back then.  We have been in a holding pattern for the past few years.  By that, I mean no major life changes has happened recently.  And that is weird.  For the first 12 years we were either moving, changing jobs, moving, getting into graduate school, moving, graduating, moving, finding jobs, moving, having kids, buying a house and moving, having more kids.  I almost don't know what to do not having some major life changing thing.  And I totally realize that by saying that, I am dooming myself to some big change coming up.  I am not complaining about there being no big things, it is nice to just live life.  And believe me, I keep busy.  I am not inviting God to shake things up in my life.  Really, I am not.
     What I am realizing is, we are in the down and dirty part of our marriage.  The part where we can't blame things on being up all night from studying or taking care of baby or the stress of a new job or moving.  We are living in the here and now.  And in the here and now, I have not been the best wife.  He often gets the end of me.  The end of the day.  The end of my energy.  The end of my patience.  When the kids have been tugging on me all day or I have had to deal with people in pain all day, or I have worked all day trying to get caught up on my normal household duties, or the dog has driven me crazy with her herding obsession, my husband comes home and I honestly have nothing left for him.  And that really isn't fair. 
     My husband is truly amazing and I am so grateful for him everyday.  Looking forward to our next 16+ years together!