When I was a sophomore in college, I was struggling with a lot of things one of which was being single. I had no idea what I wanted in a man or how to get it or the patience to wait for God to show me. I just knew I was alone and had a poor relationship with my father and no hope that I would ever be in a place mentally where anyone would want me.
On a particularly bad day, I sat in my room and cried. It was a rainy icky day. My roommate was gone and I had a rare moment of quiet time to just sit there and let it all out. Because sometimes, as women, we just really need that.
Then a rainbow appeared outside my window. I love rainbows. They always seem so full of hope. Then I felt God's hand just filling my heart with peace. Filling my heart with the promise of someone who would love me, faults and all. In fact, He promised that this man was at George Fox and that He was shaping and molding him while doing the same to me. We weren't ready for each other yet. And I felt calm. And I wrote a list. A list of all the attributes I wanted in the man I would spend my life with.
When God brought Adam back into my life my senior year and we started dating, I looked at the list and he fit every single thing on there. Every one. I didn't have to take any of the attributes and try to make him fit into it, because he already did. And I knew he was the love of my life.
Today we have been married for 16 years. Sometimes I feel I know less about marriage today than I did back then. We have been in a holding pattern for the past few years. By that, I mean no major life changes has happened recently. And that is weird. For the first 12 years we were either moving, changing jobs, moving, getting into graduate school, moving, graduating, moving, finding jobs, moving, having kids, buying a house and moving, having more kids. I almost don't know what to do not having some major life changing thing. And I totally realize that by saying that, I am dooming myself to some big change coming up. I am not complaining about there being no big things, it is nice to just live life. And believe me, I keep busy. I am not inviting God to shake things up in my life. Really, I am not.
What I am realizing is, we are in the down and dirty part of our marriage. The part where we can't blame things on being up all night from studying or taking care of baby or the stress of a new job or moving. We are living in the here and now. And in the here and now, I have not been the best wife. He often gets the end of me. The end of the day. The end of my energy. The end of my patience. When the kids have been tugging on me all day or I have had to deal with people in pain all day, or I have worked all day trying to get caught up on my normal household duties, or the dog has driven me crazy with her herding obsession, my husband comes home and I honestly have nothing left for him. And that really isn't fair.
My husband is truly amazing and I am so grateful for him everyday. Looking forward to our next 16+ years together!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Fallen off the bandwagon -Update
I have been not keeping up with my prayer life the way I feel God has called me. I was reminded of that this week as you saw in my earlier post and am reminded of it today when I see a friends' call to prayer for her mom who has breast cancer. You can read about Heidi's mom and see what things she needs prayer for. I know she would appreciate it. And pray for Heidi as she is a long day's drive from her mom and is struggling with not being with her.
And if anyone has any other prayer requests, I promise to lift you up this week. Please just post them in the comments.
I am updating this as my friend Marta is requesting prayer for her younger sister who also has breast cancer and was told her cancer is terminal. Amy is married and has a young son Ian. I know this family would appreciate all prayers over the next couple of weeks and my heart goes out to this young family. Sometimes life is so harsh but we are so lucky to have a God who is not.
And if anyone has any other prayer requests, I promise to lift you up this week. Please just post them in the comments.
I am updating this as my friend Marta is requesting prayer for her younger sister who also has breast cancer and was told her cancer is terminal. Amy is married and has a young son Ian. I know this family would appreciate all prayers over the next couple of weeks and my heart goes out to this young family. Sometimes life is so harsh but we are so lucky to have a God who is not.
Forgiveness
My husband and I fought last night. It was a big one. And I just hate those because when I am in the middle of it, I usually have no idea how it is going to get resolved. I know I say things I shouldn't and overreact to things he says. Last night was not any different. When I am in that place, I really just want to walk away from the fight and forget it happened. That isn't really practical and unresolved feelings would just rear their ugly heads eventually.
But sometimes, you do need a break from the argument. And last night in that break I was thinking about what kind of wife I am. Am I the kind of wife I should be? The kind of wife God calls me to be. And so I went to look at the chapter on this. You probably know the one. Proverbs 31. I hear it all the time and there are websites and talk shows on it. To be honest, I have never really studied it. And last night when I went to look at it, I had in my head Psalms 31 which I realized quite quickly wasn't the right reference but couldn't for the life of me remember what the correct one was. And it didn't matter at that point, because what I really needed to read at that moment was Psalm 31 and as I read it I realized that God put that on my heart to read.
What I read was "For you are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me." Ps 31:3 I was definitely needing some guidance.
Then the heading to Psalm 32 caught my attention "The Joy of Forgiveness". And the first verse is "Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit."
Forgiveness. Such a hard thing. So amazing that our God so easily forgives us for everything we do and yet it is so hard to follow His example. Whether actively forgiving someone or asking them for forgiveness, it took me a long time to realize that often it is a choice we have to make before the actual act. It is against our sinful nature. When someone has wronged us, we want justice. That's what our heart tells us. But God calls us to forgive. He calls us to forgive 7 times 70. My head knows that but my heart aches with not wanting to give in to it. I want the offending party to ask for it. I want them to say "I am sorry" first. I don't want to be the one to give in and say it. But when I feel called to forgive and I make the head decision to do it, my heart always follows.
Then as I read the footnotes, it said "no matter who else is hurt, the principal offense of any sin is always against the Lord."
That really spoke to me. When I am hurting my husband I am sinning against God. For some reason it is easier for me to ask forgiveness of God. Maybe because I know that He is perfect and He has never wronged me. He is always right, I am always the wrong one.
Here's the thing, when you ask God to forgive you first, He changes your heart. I don't have to work so hard at asking my husband to forgive me or to even forgive him before he asks for it, God does that in me. And He did it in me. And it was then that we were able to resolve our argument.
And I really hope this is a lesson I remember for next time. One I should already know. One I have been trying to practice more of. Pray. Pray. Pray. In every situation. Pray.
But sometimes, you do need a break from the argument. And last night in that break I was thinking about what kind of wife I am. Am I the kind of wife I should be? The kind of wife God calls me to be. And so I went to look at the chapter on this. You probably know the one. Proverbs 31. I hear it all the time and there are websites and talk shows on it. To be honest, I have never really studied it. And last night when I went to look at it, I had in my head Psalms 31 which I realized quite quickly wasn't the right reference but couldn't for the life of me remember what the correct one was. And it didn't matter at that point, because what I really needed to read at that moment was Psalm 31 and as I read it I realized that God put that on my heart to read.
What I read was "For you are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me." Ps 31:3 I was definitely needing some guidance.
Then the heading to Psalm 32 caught my attention "The Joy of Forgiveness". And the first verse is "Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit."
Forgiveness. Such a hard thing. So amazing that our God so easily forgives us for everything we do and yet it is so hard to follow His example. Whether actively forgiving someone or asking them for forgiveness, it took me a long time to realize that often it is a choice we have to make before the actual act. It is against our sinful nature. When someone has wronged us, we want justice. That's what our heart tells us. But God calls us to forgive. He calls us to forgive 7 times 70. My head knows that but my heart aches with not wanting to give in to it. I want the offending party to ask for it. I want them to say "I am sorry" first. I don't want to be the one to give in and say it. But when I feel called to forgive and I make the head decision to do it, my heart always follows.
Then as I read the footnotes, it said "no matter who else is hurt, the principal offense of any sin is always against the Lord."
That really spoke to me. When I am hurting my husband I am sinning against God. For some reason it is easier for me to ask forgiveness of God. Maybe because I know that He is perfect and He has never wronged me. He is always right, I am always the wrong one.
Here's the thing, when you ask God to forgive you first, He changes your heart. I don't have to work so hard at asking my husband to forgive me or to even forgive him before he asks for it, God does that in me. And He did it in me. And it was then that we were able to resolve our argument.
And I really hope this is a lesson I remember for next time. One I should already know. One I have been trying to practice more of. Pray. Pray. Pray. In every situation. Pray.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Will you remember this day?
I heard several times on the news this morning how people would remember this day, they would remember what they were doing when they heard the news that Osama Bin Laden was killed. And I wondered if I would really.
I remember the moment I watched the planes fly into the Twin Towers. I remember the relief I felt at the realization that my brother was on vacation and indeed not on his way to work at the World Trade Center that day. I remember going to New York in November and seeing the wreckage. I remember the acrid smell of burnt metal that still was so very strong even 2 months later.
Those memories are burnt into my brain. But the killing of the man who instigated it? I am not sure it will be burned quite as clearly. I am sure I will remember the relief I felt. Because my human nature feels relief at the death of this man. Even more so, I will remember people celebrating his death and feeling sad about that.
Yep, you heard me. I feel sad that people are so rejoicing the death of this horrible man. I feel sad because he was a sinner who died not knowing the truth. Who died without accepting the sacrifice Jesus made for him.
A sinner. Like me. The only difference is I have asked for forgiveness and Jesus' blood has washed me clean.
This is my favorite quote that I saw on facebook about the subject:
"I'm just glad Jesus stepped in the way of the Navy Seal Team that justly stood outside my compound of evil."
I think what I will remember most about this day is gratefulness. Grateful that God is better than us. That He is indeed not human. That He would never rejoice in our death, especially of an unforgiven life. That He fights for us, to bring us home. That above all else, He loves us. No matter what. Even with our sinful nature. He loves us.
I remember the moment I watched the planes fly into the Twin Towers. I remember the relief I felt at the realization that my brother was on vacation and indeed not on his way to work at the World Trade Center that day. I remember going to New York in November and seeing the wreckage. I remember the acrid smell of burnt metal that still was so very strong even 2 months later.
Those memories are burnt into my brain. But the killing of the man who instigated it? I am not sure it will be burned quite as clearly. I am sure I will remember the relief I felt. Because my human nature feels relief at the death of this man. Even more so, I will remember people celebrating his death and feeling sad about that.
Yep, you heard me. I feel sad that people are so rejoicing the death of this horrible man. I feel sad because he was a sinner who died not knowing the truth. Who died without accepting the sacrifice Jesus made for him.
A sinner. Like me. The only difference is I have asked for forgiveness and Jesus' blood has washed me clean.
This is my favorite quote that I saw on facebook about the subject:
"I'm just glad Jesus stepped in the way of the Navy Seal Team that justly stood outside my compound of evil."
I think what I will remember most about this day is gratefulness. Grateful that God is better than us. That He is indeed not human. That He would never rejoice in our death, especially of an unforgiven life. That He fights for us, to bring us home. That above all else, He loves us. No matter what. Even with our sinful nature. He loves us.
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