Loss

I sit at my dining room table in the very crazy hours of the morning looking at a picture of my friend Gloria.  Those who know me well, know she was my best girlfriend.  And she died.  And it was awful.  Almost 9 years later, I still miss her all the time.  I dream about her.  I think about what it would have been like to be 80 years old with her sitting on a porch, talking about our lives.
Loss.
My father leaving us.
My pastor's son dying of leukemia when I was little.
My grandfather dying of a heart attack when I was a teenager.
A boy from my school committing suicide when he went away to college.
My other grandfather and an uncle dying within weeks of each other.  One expected, one not.
Gloria. 
I haven't had a personal loss in a few years.  However, in the last few weeks, a friend lost a sister to cancer,  another friend lost a grandmother, another friend received papers of divorce, some people from church lost their house in a fire.
My heart breaks for all of them.  As Christians, we often try to find the positive.  They are in a better place, they are no longer suffering, don't store your treasures on earth, God can turn anything into His good. 
These are all extremely true. You cannot deny any of them.
But what I am reminded of is this verse "Jesus wept."
He wept.  Why?  He knew where Lazarus was going.  He knew all of those positive things.  He knew the joys of heaven yet He wept for life lost on earth.  So why did He weep? 
Was it for Himself?  Was it because He didn't get there in time? Was it for Mary? For Martha?
Why?  Why did He weep when He knew so much more?
Here is what I have decided in the midst of all this.  And I haven't studied it or read up on what scholars might think.  I am absolutely not knowledgable about what the root of the word was, etc, you get the point.  But what I have come to believe is that yes He knew.  He knew what you and I would need.  He knew it was okay to grieve.  To be sad.  To mourn.  Jesus showed us every emotion.  So we would know it is okay.  It is normal.  It is essential.  We need to mourn so that we can accept it.  So that we can continue living.  Continue being the people He called us to be.
But what if you aren't the person experiencing the loss directly?  What if it is a friend who is suffering?  What if they are far away and you can't go to them? Can't hold them and cry with them and take them to coffee and let them talk or not talk?  Just to be there for them?  It's such a helpless feeling. 
The only thing I can do is pray.  Or should I say the best thing I can do is pray. And listen to God.  Listen to His nudgings when He tells me in the wee hours of the morning to write words that have been swimming in my head for a couple of weeks.  And not doing it eloquently at all.
But I have learned to listen.  To know that someone needs to hear the words God is having me write.  That someone I know and love is struggling right this very moment. In the middle of the night.  When things always seem  worse because we are alone in our thoughts.  When there is nothing to distract us from our hurts.
But I want you to know that you are not so alone in your thoughts.  That God does hear you. 
As I have been struggling to write, the beginning lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song "I Lift My Hands" comes to mind..."Be still, there is a healer"
He knows your loss.  He knows your ache.  He knows the storm that rages in your heart.  He knows. 
And as a mother who just took her son to the doctor today who was bleeding outwardly.  I get it.  All I wanted to do was take my son's pain away.  To put it on myself.  To hold him in my arms and let him know he was safe.  God put that feeling in me as a parent.  And I am only human. Bound by human limitations.  But God is not bound at all.  How much more did He want to hold my son? How much more did He want to comfort him?  To take his pain away?  How much more does He love my son than I do? It is hard to fathom.  Because my heart aches with love for him.  But God loves him more.
So, if you have had loss and an emotional storm is raging inside of you, know that God is there.  Every second.  He hears your heart.  Day and night.  He hears you.
   

July

How is it possible that it is July 7th already?  This summer has been so flaky weather wise that it hasn't even felt like summer and now it's July.
I am going to keep my July goal to something that already keeps me pretty busy this month every year but I always strive to do more.  And that is gathering and preserving as much fresh produce as I can.  By preserving I am limited to freezing b/c I don't know how to can, but that is a goal for another time.
So far we have gather strawberries, some peas, and spinach.  Hoping to do more peas, green beans, all sorts of berries, peaches, cabbage. 
We did this last year and we try to keep track of how much we did so that we know whether we need to do more of less for the next year. 
So that's my goal for the month.  Do yo have any goals this month?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Camping, I love it.  It's a lot of work.  But I love being outdoors with no other obligations but doing camping things.  It tooks us until our youngest was 1 to attempt camping again and we started with yurts.  I love yurts.  They have heat and light and are dry when it rains.  And our girls haven't been ready for tent camping because of the darkness in the middle of the night.  But we have been working on it and our next trip is all in a tent.
But back to this camping trip.  This is one of the hardest trips we have ever done.  For lots of reasons.
Including: Who was coming/who wasn't coming.  The numbers changed almost daily and even while we were there, kept changing.
My son woke up the night before we were leaving with an earache.  Add trip to Urgent Care and pharmacy on my list of things to do before heading out. 
I forgot tons of stuff.  Clearly it was stuff we could do without but a little bit of an inconvenience at times.
It rained.  For almost an entire day.  It was very wet.
A short easy hike turned into a 6 mile difficult hike with our 3 young kids, me wearing shoes that were too small (although at least they were hiking shoes) and no snacks.  Yep, 4 hours of hard walking with no snacks for the kiddos. 
Accidents at the beach.  You really would think I would know better than to go anywhere without changes of clothing, but apparently I have not learned that lesson after being a parent for 8 years.
Did I mention it rained?  And yes we had 2 canopies, one of which leaked.
Oh and someone taking our meat?  Or a raccoon.  We can't decide which but it was creepy either way having something go through our cooler in the middle of the night.
My husband at one point described this trip as "a character building trip".  Yep,  character building for sure.
Fortunately, that is only half the story.  Remember all that rain I talked about?  At one point my kids were sitting around the fire in the rain, chatting happily like it was the most normal thing in the world.
And the hike?  Oh there was plenty of complaining throughout but there was also teamwork, and lots of walking without complaining, and no one sat down and cried when we realized after 3 miles that we had to turn around and go back 3 miles, back through the mud and the prickly bushes that overhung the path, and the logs to climb over and no food.  They just did it.  And maybe even enjoyed parts of it.
And we played games in our nicely warm yurt while the rain fell.
And my kids had fun.  Throughout it all, there was very little arguing.  They picked flowers and walked the dog and ran on the beach and roasted hot dogs and got dirty.  And it was great!
And our friend left to get baptized with her nephew.  And when my 4 year old had me explain what being baptized was.  And how you have to accept Jesus into your heart.  She said "I want to do that".  And so in the pouring down rain, with just me and my 2 girls sitting in a yurt, my baby accepted Jesus as her Saviour.  And I understood why this trip was so hard.  For there was a battle going on.  A battle for her soul.

And it turns out, it really was the best of times.

June

Wow, I cannot believe it is June.  It sure doesn't feel like June.  It feels like February.  Really.  It was 56 degrees today.  I had my heat on.  Brr.
May flew by and I enjoyed it.  I really did.  It was a carefree sort of month in a lot of ways.  My house is a mess to prove it but that is okay.  Sometimes you just need downtime.  I even read a couple of books.  Yep.  2 days this month I read.  2 books.  You can probably figure out that nothing else got done that day but reading.  Oh well,  reading makes me happy and relaxed.
I am rambling I know.  So it is June and back to my goals.  I skipped May and that was nice.  But I need to get back on track.  Summer can be lots of fun but also stressful with 3 kids at home whining that they are bored.  Yes, my kids have now picked up on that lovely word.  I have a plan though for that.  I am going to make a list of things they can do when they are "bored" and I hope it puts an end to that word fairly quickly.  I am sure there will be more fun things they can figure out to do than pick up dog poop for instance. 
But my goal for June is to declutter.  Oh how I need to declutter.  I have too much stuff everywhere.  In my closet, in the kids' rooms, it's even staring at me on my desk as I type this.  Too much stuff!
And I want to have a garage sale so what better time to declutter than right before a garage sale.
That's it, that's my goal.  Something simple and hopefully doable. 
That might mean no more reading for me for a couple of weeks though:-)

16 years

     When I was a sophomore in college, I was struggling with a lot of things one of which was being single.  I had no idea what I wanted in a man or how to get it or the patience to wait for God to show me.  I just knew I was alone and had a poor relationship with my father and no hope that I would ever be in a place mentally where anyone would want me.
     On a particularly bad day, I sat in my room and cried.  It was a rainy icky day.  My roommate was gone and I had a rare moment of quiet time to just sit there and let it all out.  Because sometimes, as women, we just really need that. 
     Then a rainbow appeared outside my window.  I love rainbows.  They always seem so full of hope.  Then I felt God's hand just filling my heart with peace.  Filling my heart with the promise of someone who would love me, faults and all.  In fact, He promised that this man was at George Fox and that He was shaping and molding him while doing the same to me.  We weren't ready for each other yet.  And I felt calm.  And I wrote a list.  A list of all the attributes I wanted in the man I would spend my life with.
     When God brought Adam back into my life my senior year and we started dating, I looked at the list and he fit every single thing on there.  Every one.  I didn't have to take any of the attributes and try to make him fit into it, because he already did.  And I knew he was the love of my life. 
     Today we have been married for 16 years.  Sometimes I feel I know less about marriage today than I did back then.  We have been in a holding pattern for the past few years.  By that, I mean no major life changes has happened recently.  And that is weird.  For the first 12 years we were either moving, changing jobs, moving, getting into graduate school, moving, graduating, moving, finding jobs, moving, having kids, buying a house and moving, having more kids.  I almost don't know what to do not having some major life changing thing.  And I totally realize that by saying that, I am dooming myself to some big change coming up.  I am not complaining about there being no big things, it is nice to just live life.  And believe me, I keep busy.  I am not inviting God to shake things up in my life.  Really, I am not.
     What I am realizing is, we are in the down and dirty part of our marriage.  The part where we can't blame things on being up all night from studying or taking care of baby or the stress of a new job or moving.  We are living in the here and now.  And in the here and now, I have not been the best wife.  He often gets the end of me.  The end of the day.  The end of my energy.  The end of my patience.  When the kids have been tugging on me all day or I have had to deal with people in pain all day, or I have worked all day trying to get caught up on my normal household duties, or the dog has driven me crazy with her herding obsession, my husband comes home and I honestly have nothing left for him.  And that really isn't fair. 
     My husband is truly amazing and I am so grateful for him everyday.  Looking forward to our next 16+ years together!

Fallen off the bandwagon -Update

I have been not keeping up with my prayer life the way I feel God has called me.  I was reminded of that this week as you saw in my earlier post and am reminded of it today when I see a friends' call to prayer for her mom who has breast cancer.  You can read about Heidi's mom and see what things she needs prayer for. I  know she would appreciate it.  And pray for Heidi as she is a long day's drive from her mom and is struggling with not being with her.
And if anyone has any other prayer requests, I promise to lift you up this week.  Please just post them in the comments.
I am updating this as my friend Marta is requesting prayer for her younger sister who also has breast cancer and was told her cancer is terminal.  Amy is married and has a young son Ian.  I know this family would appreciate all prayers over the next couple of weeks and my heart goes out to this young family.  Sometimes life is so harsh but we are so lucky to have a God who is not.

Forgiveness

     My husband and I fought last night.  It was a big one.  And I just hate those because when I am in the middle of it, I usually have no idea how it is going to get resolved.  I know I say things I shouldn't and overreact to things he says.  Last night was not any different.  When I am in that place, I really just want to walk away from the fight and forget it happened.  That isn't really practical and unresolved feelings would just rear their ugly heads eventually.
     But sometimes, you do need a break from the argument.  And last night in that break I was thinking about what kind of wife I am.  Am I the kind of wife I should be?  The kind of wife God calls me to be.  And so I went to look at the chapter on this.  You probably know the one.  Proverbs 31.  I hear it all the time and there are websites and talk shows on it.  To be honest, I have never really studied it.  And last night when I went to look at it, I had in my head Psalms 31 which I realized quite quickly wasn't the right reference but couldn't for the life of me remember what the correct one was.  And it didn't matter at that point, because what I really needed to read at that moment was Psalm 31 and as I read it I realized that God put that on my heart to read. 
     What I read was "For you are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me." Ps 31:3  I was definitely needing some guidance.
     Then the heading to Psalm 32 caught my attention "The Joy of Forgiveness".   And the first verse is "Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.  Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit."
Forgiveness.  Such a hard thing.  So amazing that our God so easily forgives us for everything we do and yet it is so hard to follow His example.  Whether actively forgiving someone or asking them for forgiveness, it took me a long time to realize that often it is a choice we have to make before the actual act.  It is against our sinful nature.  When someone has wronged us, we want justice.  That's what our heart tells us.  But God calls us to forgive.  He calls us to forgive 7 times 70.  My head knows that but my heart aches with not wanting to give in to it.  I want the offending party to ask for it.  I want them to say "I am sorry" first.  I don't want to be the one to give in and say it.  But when I feel called to forgive and I make the head decision to do it, my heart always follows. 
     Then as I read the footnotes, it said "no matter who else is hurt, the principal offense of any sin is always against the Lord."
     That really spoke to me.  When I am hurting my husband I am sinning against God.  For some reason it is easier for me to ask forgiveness of God.  Maybe because I know that He is perfect and He has never wronged me.  He is always right, I am always the wrong one. 
     Here's the thing, when you ask God to forgive you first, He changes your heart.  I don't have to work so hard at asking my husband to forgive me or to even forgive him before he asks for it, God does that in me.  And He did it in me.  And it was then that we were able to resolve our argument. 
     And I really hope this is a lesson I remember for next time.  One I should already know.  One I have been trying to practice more of.  Pray.  Pray. Pray.  In every situation.  Pray.