I went to Winco

I did.  On the second of the month.  I thought I was safe.  I avoided the first day of the month.  You know, the day people get their government money and go to Winco and buy cartloads of food.  I avoid it every month.  But I did go yesterday and that was a mistake.  It was busy and I got a baaaaddd attitude about it.  I realized that I need to avoid going on those days because of my attitude.  Not because of other people.
Generally, I understand that there are people out there who need assistance.  And I feel that to whom much is given, much is expected.  I grew up with a single mom who would have benefited from food stamps.  There were times where she was scrounging around the house for change to buy bread or milk to get us through the week.  We never went hungry but it was a stress for all of us.
So I understand that people struggle financially.  That people need help to put food on the table so their kids don't go hungry. 
What I struggle is when I see people who use government assistance because they don't have a job or can't work but when I see them using the assistance in an extravagant way.  Then I become judgemental.  This is where it is my problem.  What they do with the money God has provided for them should really be between them and God.  And I need to be a good steward of what God has given me.  And not to get bitter about what I have which honestly, sometimes seems less than what they have. 
But last night, God reminded me of how good I truly have it and that what I have is not even my own.
I just started reading Acts and what I read last night was "Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need." Acts 2:44-45
As anyone had need....I have no idea what other people are going through when I see them in the store or in my clinic.  I don't know why they can't work or why they struggle, and I shouldn't really need to know.  God shows us His model of how we are supposed to behave.  How we are supposed to give.  He puts things on our hearts. 
God calls us to be generous.  He calls us to give back.  He calls us to have compassionate hearts and to pray for people. 
It's really easy to get caught up in money.  But it is such a trap and it is temporary.  What I have today could be gone in an instant.  That is not what will sustain me.
I am grateful that He puts this reminder on my heart.  That in obeying Him by reading the Word (something I really struggle with), my heart changed.  And helped me see areas of where I need to pray.

Sunday thoughts

I love our church.  I know I have said it a hundred times here probably but after going to huge churches or even not going at all, it is refreshing to me every Sunday the time I spend there.  It usually just flies by.  Now I have 2 of my kids in Sunday school, so with only one to entertain during the sermon, I actually get to hear more and hopefully soak up more. 
Today a couple of things struck me.  Our pastor talked about the dry periods in our life.  The periods where we don't hear from God regularly or feel very close to God.   We probably have all been in those periods of life, but I guess what struck me is that it is normal.  I always feel when I am in that season, that something is wrong with me.  That I am not doing all that I should be doing to remain on fire for Jesus.  It just made me feel better knowing that we all go through it.
The next thing was about contentment.  Now I don't think these 2 things were the pastors' main points but they are the snippets I gleaned.  The verse was Hebrews 13:5 "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have.  For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'."
I guess I have been having the "wants" lately.  You know...I want a new mattress (mine is 15 years old), I want a screen door, I want a newer/faster computer.  It is really easy sometimes to get caught up in it.  You see people buying the newest/latest things and your flesh wants to as well.  At least this is one of my struggles and something I am convicted of often.  This verse is a good reminder for me.  But not only for the contentedness part but that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  That is a pretty powerful statement and one that is good to remember in the seasons we are dry and in the seasons we feel close to God.

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace

John Newton (1725-1807)

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

How many times have we sung this song?  I have sung it a lot, it is one of my favorites.  But as with most old hymns, I usually know the 1st or 2nd verse and the last verse.  The ones in the middle don't get sung as much I guess. 
The other day in the car, I was listening to the reworked version but cannot for the life of me remember who it was.  Anyway, the 4th verse stood out to me.  Honestly, it was like I had never heard it before. 
     "The Lord has promised good to me".  Really?  I mean, I know that I guess.  I have heard it, read it but have not been comforted by it in a long time. 
     "His word my hope secures".  Without hope, I cannot get through this life.  Because this earth is so full of hopelessness and despair.  But through His word, there is hope.  What an amazing thing that is.
     "He will my shield and portion be" - Boy do I feel often that I just want to curl up in His arms and have Him protect me and fill me.
     "As long as life endures" - Wow.  His love, his peace, His presence are neverending in our lives.  Yes, I walk away from Him, I forget to talk to Him, to read His letters to me, to meditate on Him.  But does He do that to us?  No.  He is there always, always ready to fill our cup, to be what we need.  Forever.  As long as we are on this hard difficult earth.  He will be there. 
I think this is my new favorite verse.

Thursday thoughts on my faith - Choosing Joy

Wow! It has been a long time. One long summer. Now I get it when parents say they are ready for school. I am hoping to get some semblance of order in my life now that I have 2 in school.
September is a hard month. It always hits me and I always dread it. I talk about it, I cry. I probably drive my husband crazy with my sadness. But I can't help it. When you lose a best friend tragically at a young age, it sticks with you. And I am not going to apologize for it. I am going to embrace it. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Right. That can apply to friendship as well.
I picked up a book this week that Glo had recommended to me the summer before our senior year at Fox. "You Gotta Keep Dancin". Such a great book. I might write more on it later. But basically it says that joy is a choice. Happiness is circumstantial but joy is a choice. That is going to be my theme this school year. I am really going to work on choosing joy.
Choosing joy for me also means embracing emotions. Children show all of their emotions. Every thought, sadness, happiness, fear...everything comes out in some way or another. But as we get older, we train ourselves to conceal all of it. To show strength and stability. Who needs a professional person bursting into tears, or someone standing at the checkout line burst into song or laugh hysterically b/c something funny popped into your head. Obviously there is a time and place for emotions but I feel I have trained myself just a little too much and by doing so have taken the feelings out of everything and it sort of paralyzes me. So I am prayerfully asking for Gods help, to change my heart. Help me live, love, be the person He wants me to be and most of all...choose joy. I can be joyful in my sorrow and pain. Because without one, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the other. Some day in Heaven there will only be joy. And I look forward to that day. I look forward to seeing Glo again. But for now, here on earth, I need to start practicing.

Thursday thoughts on my faith

Wake up Call:
I have to say, this has been a really difficult couple of weeks for me. Since Bud got out of school, he has been obnoxious. I am beside myself with the chasing the girls, the girls screaming, Sweet Pea being needy and wanting to be held constantly, everyone fighting, etc...
I always have these goals for myself, pick up the house, do dishes, plan meals, pay bills, play with the kids, go to the library, read my Bible, memorize my verse, the list is neverending. As a mom, you know. It is tough. You go to clean up one mess and then someone pees on the floor. Sometimes I think I can't do it. It is too overwhelming. That is when I make my lists. My to do lists and they always start with read the Word. Read the Word. I really do want to do it. I think every day, have I read the Bible today, have I spent time in prayer today? And then...I don't do it. Praying is easier b/c I can do it anywhere. But reading the Bible is something I desire to do, yet my flesh messes it up everytime.
That's when it hit me. My flesh, my list, my goals. No wonder I have been failing miserably at everything lately. I am trying to do it all on my own and it isn't working. I will not accomplish my goals until I lean on God and try to discover His goals for me. His goals, His goals. Not mine. Mine are petty. His are worthy. I am not going to accomplish anything without His help. And I don't want to. Life is so much easier if we follow His plan and not our own.
Today, as a friend is in the process of a miscarriage and another friends father had a heart attack, I am realizing not only how fragile life is but that even though I feel I am failing, that even though my kids drive me crazy, even though I feel overwhelmed...I am so lucky to have all of it. I really need to start my day with being grateful for everything God has given me.
I have no goals this week, no challenges. Just me, trying to listen to God and praying for His work in my life to come to fruition, not my own selfish desires. And for my friends who are struggling with bigger things right now, not just the ones listed but all my friends, I pray that God pours His love on you this week.

Thursday thoughts on my faith

Hope.
Such a small word but filled with lots of promise. We received an email from some missionary friends this week and he was talking about the verse "...faith, hope, love but the greatest of these is love." How easy it is to accept the importance of faith and love but hope...that may seem not as important. He was talking about how without hope, it is hard to have faith. How do we have faith if there is no hope of God.
It hit home to me yesterday as Princess was asking me about Maggie, what happens after she dies, is she in heaven? I honestly don't have an answer for her about that. I don't know if animals go to heaven and I am not going to say definitely to her one way or the other. But I do have hope. Hope that we are going to heaven, hope that Jesus knows our hearts and knows how much our animals mean to us on earth. I have hope as I talk to my child about death that when we die, it isn't the end for us, it isn't scary. There are no more owies in heaven. What an amazing thing to be able to tell her.
Imagine if I wasn't able to tell her about heaven, that after we die there is nothing. We are just put in the ground and forgotten about. So sad and so hopeless. What would be our purpose if that was all there is to life? If there was nothing more?
An amazing gift God has given us.
Hope.

Thursday Thoughts on My Faith

This has been a rough week. I heard a few weeks ago (and I cannot for the life of me remember where) an analogy about how we see things. As we are going through life, it is like driving down a road. We can only see what is in front of us, we don't see what is around the corner, what is over the next hill. Just what is in front of us. God, on the other hand, looks down at the road like it is a map. He sees every twist and turn, every obstacle in the way, bad weather, speed bump. He gets the broad picture and that is really comforting to me.
When husband and I were picking what day we wanted to get married (really what day I wanted) I originally picked May 27th. I really liked the sound of that. But then my mom pointed out it was Memorial Weekend and I changed it to the 20th. Who knew, 14 years later we would have to put our dog to sleep on May 27th. I never would have guessed that. But imagine how hard it would be to have that be a reminder every anniversary. But God knew. He saw way ahead of time. That might be a stretch for some of you. But here's the other thing. We are going camping this weekend. We have planned it since last September. My mom was going to come and housesit/dogsit for us. 2 days before we leave, we have to make this decision. Now I have a three day weekend and a chance to be away from my house. The house that seems so empty and quiet without her. God saw this bump in the road way ahead of time and covered it, covered us. He always provides for us, even when we don't know it or see the impact of it right away. That is a huge comfort to me.

Thursday thoughts on my faith

Treading Water
Do you ever feel like you are not going anywhere? I don't mean necessarily with big life decisions. I mean in the everyday walk we have. This goes along with my post from the other day. I just feel I am out of control. When I try to start getting control, actually sit down to accomplish something.. to move forward on a project, I get sideline. Sidelined by extra laundry b/c son wet the bed so bad or the dog peed on the carpet bad enough I have to shampoo it, or daughter is so cranky she takes all your attention. There I am, not moving anywhere, just treading water, breaking even.
I see moms who seem to have it all together, they cook, clean, take their kids to the park, have playdates, scrapbook, and always look good (so obviously find time to exercise) and I wonder what is wrong with me?? I know that I work, but part time and even though that takes up three of my days, I still have 4 days to accomplish things, to move forward.
How is this related to my faith you might be asking. I feel I am treading water with my relationship with God as well. I read my Bible a couple times a week, listen to Christian music, try to talk to the kids about God, pray, go to church on Sunday, have a Bible study and Women's Prayer group. Looking at that list seems like it should be enough but it just isn't. I am keeping the status quo. I want more than that with God, I want my kids to see more than that in me. I yearn to feel His peace, His presence, His joy. I know He is there, waiting for me to reach out, waiting to embrace me, waiting for me to start swimming. I know that if I can get this tackled, if I can move forward with God, the other things will fall into place. Or at least I will have better tools to deal with the everydayness of life.
I am just not sure where to begin.

Thursday Thoughts On My Faith

I am going to copy my friend California SAHM on this one. My faith is something I am constantly trying to work on. I really didn't have a good role model growing up of what a good Christian woman or mother is. My mom is great in a lot of ways but when she became a Christian, my dad left. That has sort of defined her walk with God. The kind of God who takes away things that you care about. I don't want to be that way.
We have finally found a church where we belong. Where the first day of being there, it felt like home. Have you had that kind of church? We went to a very big church for 5+years and never was able to connect there. It was so big and far away, we just didn't really get involved. We still aren't able to do some things we would like to like go to the Bible study on Thursday nights but it is too hard with kids, especially kids who really need to be in bed by 8. But husband goes to the men's Bible study and I have been trying to go to the Women's prayer group and the amazing thing is we have hardly missed a day of church since we have been going.
I do have a point. With my interactions with the women leaders of the church, I feel I have finally found women to try to aspire to be like. I know we should try to be like Jesus but He must put people on this earth as role models. I am not talking about putting these women up on a pedestal but to learn from them. These are good, Godly women/mother's who exude Christ in their actions. I have always felt that is the kind of Christian I want to be. I am not so good at witnessing, I have never felt it my calling. But I want my actions to speak of my faith and I feel greatly lacking. Their prayers, thoughtfulness, encouragement of other people ... it is all so positive and uplifting. Something I really need to work on. Being more positive.