Time

Time is a funny thing.  Sometimes we want it to go faster, sometimes we want it to slow down, sometimes we want it to just stop to savor the moment, sometimes we want to go backwards to relive or redo something, sometimes we wish we could just to the future.
Time.  When I got the news my friend Gloria had died in a car accident, it felt like time stood still.  Then all I wanted with her was more time.  More time to tell her all those important things that you think but often don't say.  Things like thank you for being my friend, for growing with me, for changing me, for being there when I suffered heartbreak and for laughing with me, for standing by my side when I got married, for encouraging me in all the important things.  Time with Glo was taken away in a heartbeat.  And I always wished I had one last moment with her to tell her all those things, or even just one thing more.  It doesn't matter that I know she knew it, I still wish I had a chance to say goodbye.  It is now 10 years later and my mom has terminal cancer. 
So right now, time is my enemy with my mom.  Time means the cancer is eating away at her, growing, gaining ground, invading more areas of her body.  Time is short.  We were told she might only live a few weeks if chemo didn't work and at most probably 8 months.  Time...right now she can function, drive, run errands.  But there will come a time when she will be too weak to do anything, to go to grandkids' functions, to take care of herself.
But time is also on my side.  Because I have it.  Because she wasn't taken away in a heartbeat.  Because God has granted me the chance to say the things I need to say, the time to develop lasting memories for my children, to work on her legacy.  Time for her to see her true value and the impact she has had on people's lives.  Time for God to do His work in the hearts of those who don't know Him.  Time for me to hear her voice, see her with my kids, watch her laugh or cry. 
Time.  Such a funny thing.  I can honestly say I look forward to the day when time doesn't matter.  When it doesn't have such a strong hold on my life.  But until that day comes, I will try to appreciate the time I have with her.  The hours, minutes, seconds that we get.  Each and every one of them is a gift, a precious gift and I am so grateful for it. 

Why I am back

At the beginning of this year, I was feeling quite overwhelmed with life.  The idea of the blog starting stressing me out which is sort of ridiculous.  At the time, I felt like I didn't have anything to contribute and it was just adding to my list of things I wasn't getting accomplished each day.  So after some prayer about it, I just stopped.  It was actually easier than I thought.  I thought I would miss it.  When I was blogging, I would write the postings in my head on my way to work.  Sometimes they actually got written out and sometimes not.  But when I stopped blogging, that kind of just stopped.
Until recently.   There has been so much going on in my life it makes me sort of laugh at what I thought was busy then and what is busy to me know just a mere 10 months later.
Amazing what a difference 10 months makes.  How drastically your life can change in no time at all. Things happen that you don't prepare for, cannot prepare for.
Anyone who reads this knows my mom has cancer.  Stage 4 lung cancer with metastasis to her liver and bone.  We got the diagnosis in mid-September and it has been a whirlwind since that time.  A craziness of doctors appointments, hospital visits, trips to the pharmacy, extra cooking, cleaning, running errands. 
I am not writing that for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am actually embracing the crazy, embracing the busy because it is easier.  It is easier to keep my hands from being idle so my heart doesn't have time to hurt, to think...
Obviously I have a lot to process.  And my brain has started up again.  Writing blog posts in my head to/from work.  So here I am.  I don't know where this is going to lead or how often I will actually write or if anyone will even read it.  But for me, this journey that I am on, needs to be written out.  There is so much going on, so much happening too fast that I don't know if I will remember it all.  But you see my time with my mom is short, shorter than I ever anticipated, probably shorter than I am willing to come to terms with at this very moment and I need to remember.  I need to remember her grace and peace, her rescuing me with my kids, going to soccer games and piano lessons, my kids cuddling on the couch with her, or watching as we shave her head....all of these moments are passing by.  Moments I would not have stopped to noticed before but that are so precious now. 
So here I am, sharing my journey.  My journey where my mom is going to die.  I realize that is blunt but it is the truth I have to face every day. 
Don't let that stop you though from reading.  It might be hard but what I have seen so far is amazing.  I want to share not just my journey but my mom's.  What God has done is a miracle to me and I can't wait to share it.
Stay tuned.

My heart hurts

Today is a day that is hard.  Hard to not think about the future and what that means.  I have lived my life looking forward to the future.  It so often has good things coming.  Like in a couple of weeks I get to go back to Philadelphia and watch a good friend get married.  We are talking about a trip to Hawaii in the future.  Soccer ends soon, that is kind of nice.  My daughter has her first piano recital in 2 weeks.... 
But then I start thinking about 6 months from now, a year from now...and my heart starts squeezing and the tears start coming because my mom is dying.  My mom has cancer and I don't know if she will be here then.  If she will be here when the sun starts shining again in Oregon, when my daughter graduates from kindergarten, to watch my son play soccer again next year, or watch the kids play in a pool.
My mom has cancer and it hurts so much sometimes that I can hardly breathe. 

2012

Well, here it is, a new year.  It is hard to believe how quickly the past year came and went and here we are, starting over again. 
Last year, I made monthly goals.  I enjoyed doing that.  It made me think of small changes and helped me stick with them as it was short term.  I seem to have trouble these days doing anything long term. 
But this year, I decided to make year long goals.  Not sure why except there are some things I want to accomplish that I can't do in a month.  So here goes:
Read the Bible.  The whole thing.  I am pretty good at starting out getting through the Bible and then somewhere in the middle, I get so far behind my plan that I give up.  But I am going to make a real effort this year.  For my out, if I get so behind that I can't make it through the whole Bible, I will be happy with finishing one of the Testaments.  Which one?  I don't know yet.
Read More, Read Better. I love to read.  I can get a little obsessed with reading (although not the Bible as you can see from my previous goal).  I stay up until 3 in the morning and have to get up at 5 kind of reading.  But I don't have the money to buy books and I don't take the time to go to the library.  So I am stuck reading books that other people have and I can borrow.  I am not saying I don't enjoy these books, but I am not sure they are edifying to my soul kind of books.  My hope this year is that I will make better choices and spend less time watching tv to do it. 
Not Ignore My Husband.  So this kind of goes with the above 2 things.  And also, I got a Kindle for my birthday.  I am sort of on the fence about the Kindle but I will say it does a couple of things for me.  Keeps the Bible with me at my spot so making it easier to read.  Gives me more freedom with the choices I can make for better reading.  But making reading convenient can be a negative as well.  I need to find the time and place to read, without it 1)becoming an obsession and 2)taking my attention away from my obligations and my family
Lose 5 pounds.  Yes I am giving myself a year for this.  Because my weight bounces around a lot but I took time off of exercising due to various health things and I want to get back into a regular routine and knock off a few pounds.  This also means eating better.
Be Intentional about Changes I make for my Family.  This mostly is for my grocery shopping.  I try to save money by couponing but I also have this desire to feed my family better.  Sometimes those 2 things don't go hand in hand.  I realize that last year I tried really hard to make a lot of changes and felt like a chicken running around with its head cut off (it really does do that by the way, I've seen it!).  I really want this year to be a year where I make lasting changes but changes that I can live with.  Not try to do everything at once like I did last year.  For this year, I would like to buy more organic, get out of buying foods with GMO products in them, and continue to make more whole healthy foods.  I am not going to start grinding my own wheat or raising my own chickens.  But having just a couple of things to focus on, will help me make lasting changes.  Once those become easy and routine, I will make more changes. 
Start an Etsy Shop. This one I am not so sure about except I had a lot of fun making hats for my daughters friends and would like to continue or make blankets.  I have lots of yarn so can start anytime.  But it might cut into my reading time:-)
Pay off our car!  Our car payment has been the bane of my existence for several years.  I am so ready to be done with it and have that money to put toward other things.  Paying it off might be difficult this year and I am hoping to scrimp in other areas to help make this happen.  Our budget is already pretty tight but we'll see.  It will be a huge relief to have it be done with.
Thoroughly Clean and Organize my House. I get little corners done here and there but it needs a real overhaul cleaning.  We are trying to reorganize the kids' rooms so this will help.  We have a small house and lots of stuff.  That doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room.
Pray More.  I go through spurts with this but over the holidays, was very bad.  Praying keeps me focused on God and on others.  When I give this up, my focus is on myself and low and behold, I am less content.

That seems to be all at this time.  There might be more that I add later.  I am looking forward to this year.  I feel changes coming but am not sure what or when.  But also am feeling called to be content.  God has me where I am now and I want to be in the moment of things.  Not looking too far ahead.

Current obsession

 This past week when I should have been finishing getting my house ready for Christmas and company, I decided to crochet some hats.  I was making some for my daughters friends and they turned out so well, I decided to make some for a friends' daughters from church.  Then I went on to make one for our babysitter's daughter.  I love the flower.  It adds so much to the hat!
The pictures don't quite do them justice b/c the color doesn't come through as vibrant as they are in real life but you get the gist.
These 2 were for sisters at church whom I had made baby blankets for.  I used the leftover yarn to make the hats.  









 This one was for our sitter's daughter.  I also made her a pink blanket so it goes with that.

After Christmas, I am going to seriously consider selling these on Etsy.  And I might have to make my daughters another hat with a flower.  Maybe for spring.

Can you smell the rain?

This doesn't happen as much in Oregon, but in Utah and Kansas where I grew up, you could smell the rain coming.  In the summer, when it was dry and hot and you got that whiff...it was so exciting to know it was about to downpour.  To cool things off, settle the dust.  A pouring rain in the hot summer months is a great thing for a child to play in.  I loved it!
It also meant change.  A small change maybe.  A brief change probably.  But a change.  And when you have had days and days of dry weather, a change can be good.
I can honestly say, that the past few years has been the least amount of change I have experienced in a long time.  We have been very stable.  We have lived in the same house, had the same number of children, the same jobs, the same cars.  I am not saying this to complain.  Believe me.  It has been nice to settle into some sort of routine. 
But I know life.  And I know how God works in my life.  Often, when I am feeling stable and settled is when He shakes things up a bit. 
I don't exactly know if that is happening in my life right now.  There are a couple of things my husband and I are praying about, some decisions we need to make.  I don't know where God is going to take us but, these decisions have gotten me thinking about my life.  My desires, things I want to accomplish, actions I want to take. 
There are a lot of things on those lists.  Too many things on those lists really.  As a working mom, as a mom, there is so much busyness.  There are so many things that we strive to achieve.  But realistically we cannot do it all.  We read blogs and wonder why we can't have it all together.  I wish I could be crafty and pull out amazing things for my kids to occupy their time, or grind my own flour and make my own bread, or take them to music lessons, swim lessons, the library....it goes on and on but it is impossible for me to do everything that I want to do. 
So instead of feeling like I am failing at doing lots of things, I need to sit down and figure out what few things I can do that are the right things.
This blog is one of those things.  I started it out as a way to journal some of my crazy thoughts as a working mom.  But I am not sure where it is going.  I am not even sure I have time to do it.  Is it something that is beneficial for me to continue?  And if I continue, what do I want my focus to be.  I have a friend who is an amazing blogger.  Her posts make me laugh and cry and stop and breathe.  She is amazing!  Truly, if you are looking for a new blog to read, check hers out.  But I am feeling super unfocused here and while I realize I will never be an amazing writer and I have no aspirations for this to become something huge, I need to know if it is truly something I should be doing.  
So, for those 2 of you who read this:-)  I would love your prayers and I will update as I get a few things sorted out. 

I went to Winco

I did.  On the second of the month.  I thought I was safe.  I avoided the first day of the month.  You know, the day people get their government money and go to Winco and buy cartloads of food.  I avoid it every month.  But I did go yesterday and that was a mistake.  It was busy and I got a baaaaddd attitude about it.  I realized that I need to avoid going on those days because of my attitude.  Not because of other people.
Generally, I understand that there are people out there who need assistance.  And I feel that to whom much is given, much is expected.  I grew up with a single mom who would have benefited from food stamps.  There were times where she was scrounging around the house for change to buy bread or milk to get us through the week.  We never went hungry but it was a stress for all of us.
So I understand that people struggle financially.  That people need help to put food on the table so their kids don't go hungry. 
What I struggle is when I see people who use government assistance because they don't have a job or can't work but when I see them using the assistance in an extravagant way.  Then I become judgemental.  This is where it is my problem.  What they do with the money God has provided for them should really be between them and God.  And I need to be a good steward of what God has given me.  And not to get bitter about what I have which honestly, sometimes seems less than what they have. 
But last night, God reminded me of how good I truly have it and that what I have is not even my own.
I just started reading Acts and what I read last night was "Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need." Acts 2:44-45
As anyone had need....I have no idea what other people are going through when I see them in the store or in my clinic.  I don't know why they can't work or why they struggle, and I shouldn't really need to know.  God shows us His model of how we are supposed to behave.  How we are supposed to give.  He puts things on our hearts. 
God calls us to be generous.  He calls us to give back.  He calls us to have compassionate hearts and to pray for people. 
It's really easy to get caught up in money.  But it is such a trap and it is temporary.  What I have today could be gone in an instant.  That is not what will sustain me.
I am grateful that He puts this reminder on my heart.  That in obeying Him by reading the Word (something I really struggle with), my heart changed.  And helped me see areas of where I need to pray.

It's been awhile

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged.  Life has been crazy and I see no end in site.  I had no goals for October and it definitely felt like it.  I dropped the ball on meal planning and it was really hard to come up with meals on a daily basis.  I have sort of figured out a pattern for breakfasts and lunches and that has been a lifesaver.  It keeps the kids from asking me everyday what they are going to have, I simply point to the list and try to keep it the same.  Giving the kids a more substantial breakfast has really helped them during the day too.  It is definitely more work and I feel I am always doing dishes but well worth it. 
Soccer has kept us super busy.  It is so disruptive to my really productive time of day.  It seems we rush home from school, get a snack, get ready to go and then off and running, then come back and try to feed, bathe, homework the kids in a decent time to get them to bed.  1 1/2 weeks and counting. 
This next month my mom is having total knee replacement surgery and will be staying with us for at least a week but probably 2.  That will be a huge challenge for all of us.  We have no bedrooms downstairs so she will be living in our living room which is already crowded and chaotic and may not be the best place for recuperating from a major surgery but it was either I don't see my family for that period of time while I stay with her or we put up with some disruption for a short time. 
So for November, my goal is to prioritize.  To make lists and to pray over them.  I have a lot going on and things I keep adding to it or things that come up out of the blue and I really need to have some guidance on what I should be doing and what I should let go.  Saying no is not always my strong suit, I love helping people but sometimes my family needs to come first.  Something I am praying about. 
Hopefully it won't be another month before I blog but who knows...it might be the New Year before you see me again.  We will see.
One thing though I haven't done in awhile is ask for prayer requests.  I still love praying for my friends and feel it is so powerful in so many ways.  So if anyone has anything they want prayer for, please let me know.  I am happy to do it.
Well, if I don't see you again for awhile: Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!

My couponing trip today

It has been awhile since I posted some of my couponing deals.  It is really hard to coupon in the summer with three kids in tow but now that they are back in school it is much easier.
However, I have been struggling with the conflict between getting good deals and feeding my kids healthier.  A lot of the really great deals are junk.  While I do buy some junk (I love ice cream and poptarts!) I try to limit it for my kids. 
So while I am trying to still find great deals, I am trying to incorporate healthy foods into them.  Right now Safeway has a buy 8 save .50 per item which with paired with coupons can make for some pretty good deals.  They have a lot of stuff throughout the store that they don't even have listed in their ads.  I am pretty sure I will be doing more of these deals over the next week.
Here is what I got today:

So if you ignore the ice cream cones and cheetos, I think I did pretty good.  The gum was buy one get one free and I had (2) $1/3 coupons that doubled making them $1.17 for 6 packs.  Trident is sugar free but doesn't have aspartame which I don't like, so I don't mind my kids chewing it.

The spinach and green leaf lettuces were $1 each and the jalapeno was .99c (I am making salsa this week!)  The cream cheese was buy one get one free so 2/$2.99.

The instant potatoes were free with a catalina (I know it's processed but my daughter will only eat instant garlic potatoes so sometimes I get them)

I think everything else was part of the buy 8 promo. These are the coupons I had:

 (2) $1/1 coupons for the artisan tortillas making them .49c each,

 .55c/1 dairy farmers making the cheese .74c with the doubler (so wish I had had another of those coupons!)

 the broth was 1.99 each (no coupon but it's good broth and it's organic!)

My total was $16.50 for all of that.  Not too bad considering I didn't have coupons for everything I bought.

Then I went to Rite Aid:

My total there after coupons was 7.61, I used $6 in UPs and received $10.38 back in UPs rewards.  They were running a spend $25 get a $5 UP for the past month and today was the last day to do it.  I had to spend just over $9 to get my total over $25 (I hit 25.83!)  The toothbrushes were on sale for 2.69 each and you got a 2.69 UP back plus I had a .75c off and a $1 off coupon so I really ended up making $1.75 on toothbrushes!  The mouthwash was on sale for $4 and I had a $1/1 coupon plus it put me over the 25 so I was good with that.

The tuna was buy one get one free and I had (2) $1/2 coupons so that made them .25c each!

Next week I will have over $12 in UPs to spend so I might not even have any out of pocket there.  I just love Rite Aid!!

There you go.  My big couponing for the week.  It's a good thing it was a good week b/c my grocery cash envelope only has $2 in it.  Yay for a new month starting saturday!  

Meals

I know I should just make my meal week tuesday through monday but I still have hopes of being organized enough on a sunday to write my plan out.
I will say though that having breakfast and lunches mostly planned out has been a huge relief for me.  It really does make my days easier.
I am going to write the past 2 days even though they are over, just in case anyone needs ideas.
Sunday:
B: pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs
L: leftover tacos
D: BBQ, zucchine with rotini noodles, salad

Monday:
B: at sitters
L: quesadillas
D: leftover chicken/noodles

Tuesday:
B: scrambled eggs and toast
L: noodles
D: chicken fried steak, long grain/wild rice, green beans

Wednesday
B: scones
L: sandwiches
D: pizza at a birthday party

Thursday
B: pancakes
L: bagel/cream cheese
D: crockpot chicken, noodle roni (my MIL is picking the kids up, taking son to soccer and doing dinner, so am trying to make it easy on her-hence the noodle roni)

Friday
B: at sitters
L: kids are getting hot lunch
D: leftovers

Saturday
B: cereal, yogurt
L: not sure
D: BBQ (while we can), potatoes of some sort

I clearly need to work on some details and I am going to try making some breakfast cookies and see how that goes over.  Now that I have a little order to breakfast and lunches for the main dish, I need to work on the sides and figure out a routine for my dinners.  But I am slowly working on it and it is definitely going better than it has in the past.

Meal Plan

Once again I cannot seem to get my meal plan listed on Sunday.

It has been really nice to have meal plans for all my meals.  I have really been trying to make the kids a good breakfast and while it is taking some getting used to, I am very grateful when they aren't telling me they are hungry 30 minutes after eating.

Also, I usually try to have the kids eat fruit at most meals but I offer them choices, so I might not always list what specific fruit we have.  Fortunately they all like a wide variety of fruits.  Veggies not so much, you will see a lot of carrots and salad listed.

I am going to go ahead and back track to Sunday and what we ate:
Sunday:
     B: simple soaked pancakes from Heavenly Homemakers (it's an adjustment eating whole wheat pancakes but a few chocolate chips sprinkled in really helped!)
     L: hot dogs, baked french fries, carrots, fruit
     D: beef vegetable soup/chicken noodle for the kids, fruit
Monday
     B: at sitter's
     L: quesadillas, carrots,
     D: leftover pizza, salad, fruit
Tuesday
     B: scrambled eggs, toast   
     L: noodles, carrots, applesauce
     D:spaghetti and meatballs, green beans, salad, watermelon/blueberries


Wednesday
     B: pancakes
     L: ham or turkey sandwiches, carrots, cantaloupe
     D: leftover beef soup
Thursday
     B: cereal, whole wheat banana bread
     L: ham/turkey sandwiches, carrots, fruit
     D: chicken/broccoli over brown rice
Friday
     B: at sitters
     L: sandwiches, carrots, fruit
     D: leftover spaghetti and meatballs
Saturday
     B: kids choice
     L: having a garage sale and the boys will be at a Ducks game so not sure
     D: BBQ hamburgers/hot dogs, baked beans, roasted potatoes

I am clearly in a rut with lunches for the kids, they are going to get so bored with sandwiches, this is something I really need to work on in the next few weeks!

Strong Tower

Towers.  Twin Towers.  North Tower.  South Tower.  Funny how before 9/11 happened, I didn't think about those words at all.  I had been to New York City.  I had not been in the Towers but in one of the other World Trade Center buildings where my brother worked and looked out the window at the Towers.  To be honest, other than being really tall, they didn't leave an impression on me.

But then 2 planes were flown into them and it changed my perception forever.  The phrase "Twin Towers" now means so much more to those of us who witnessed it.  I will never forget the feeling of wondering if my brother was at work that day.  Such a scary thought that for me only lasted a minute before I remembered he was on vacation.  I was lucky my story had that happy ending.  So many people lost loved ones that day, and so many since....

I am grateful that the 10 year anniversary landed on a Sunday.  And I am lucky that my pastor has such a gift for turning our hearts to God.  His sermon today refreshed my soul and reminded me that this earth is passing.  That we truly never know what is going to happen in any given day.  It might not be as big as a plane landing into a building but it could be a heart attach, a diagnosis of cancer, a car accident....all of those things change your life forever but the one constant in this life is God.

Psalm 61 which has been turned into one of my favorite songs says "for you have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy" (vs. 3)  What I didn't know is that David wrote this song after his son died.  And even though I have heard the song from this reference over and over again, the significance of God being referred to as the strong tower never really struck me.  But when I stop and think about the word tower, I think of Eiffel Tower, Tower of Babel, Twin Towers.... all things that are big and things that people probably thought would stand the test of time.  While things on this earth can be destroyed, our towers that we build as humans are not eternal. 

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous run to it and are safe"  Proverbs 18:10. 

It's amazing how you can read a passage in the Bible over and over and not get it.  A simple passage.    One that fits so perfectly, so completely in our present day situation.  What an amazing God we have that words written so long ago, are so appropos today. 

I am not sure I will think about the word tower in the same sense ever again.  When I think of 9/11 and what it did to our country, and I think of those towers falling to the ground, I will forever remember Proverbs 18:10 and Psalm 61.  He is our tower of strength, something we never need fear, our God who will always stand strong and true and magnificent.

Too much on my plate?

My husband told me this week (as I was stressing about some stuff) that I have too much on my plate. 

Well, I guess I should have said "of course I do, I'm a mom!" 

I mean, I really don't know how to avoid it.  I have things I "have" to do and things I "want" to do.  If I simply deal with the stuff I had to do, I could probably handle it all somewhat realistically.  But how would I feel if all I ever did was clean, do laundry, carpool kids around, cook, grocery shop, help with homework, oh and throw 3 days of working into the mix? 

Isn't there more to life than that?  Should there be?  Or should I be content with that as a Christian mom and wife? 

When I go through the list in my head of things I want to do, most if revolves around my family.  It's not like my list includes shoe shopping or sitting on the couch watching soap operas and eating chocolate.  My list includes things I want to do to make my family healthier and happier plus a few small things in there for me.

Here are a few of the things on my want to do list:
finish son's room - including making afghan and putting up a couple of star wars pictures
organize my recipes - they are a mess!
crochet - I just bought a book on hats and want to make a winter hat for my girls, and maybe some extra to
     some day start an etsy shop
research ways to feed my family better - including switching over to more organic foods, baking more from
     scratch, maybe even get my own wheat grinder
get rid of my piles
get my garage sale stuff ready (I have one week for that)
organize pictures on my computer
read "The Help"
read my Bible daily
exercise several times a week
make meals for people who might need it (I love doing this for friends!)

So you see, the list isn't crazy.  But some of it is time consuming and right now, I am barely accomplishing the tasks I need to accomplish.

Not sure what I am going to do about it all but I am hoping that with the kids in school, I will be able to get into some sort of routine and get ahead on some of these things. 

What do you do to cross off things of your to-do list?

Meal plan

I have no idea where this weekend went but am 2 days late posting my meal plan.  And am not sure it is totally complete but will get me through this week.

Tuesday
B: french toast, milk
L: each kid got to pick their lunch today for the first day of school so that included salami sandwiches, macncheese, chicken nuggets, plus carrot sticks, fruit
D: chicken and noodles, corn

Wednesday
B: eggs and toast, juice
L: turkey sandwiches, carrot sticks, fruit
D: leftover chicken and noodles, salad

Thursday:
B: pancakes, smoothie
L: not sure
D: chicken and broccoli over brown rice

Friday:
B: at sitters
L: not sure:-(
D: leftovers maybe

Saturday:
B: oatmeal or cold cereal
L: BBQ with family
D: maybe something light like cheese/crackers, popcorn, veggies

Lunch is what I really need to work on to be creative.  My goal is to have a system where breakfast and lunches are the same for that day of the week so for example every tuesday have eggs and toast, wednesday pancakes....that kind of thing.  That way it's set and hopefully makes things easier. 
The first day of school has gone well so far, my preschooler did great on her first day which is a huge relief.  She was my first kid not to cry on their first day of preschool and that made it so much easier on this momma.  But I found when I picked her up that I missed her.  Glad we have this afternoon to spend together!

Giveaway from Heavenly Homemakers

I love the Heavenly Homemakers site.  I have been following her sometime in the hopes of being inspired as I switch over to making healthier foods for my family.  She is having a giveaway for a Nutrimill to grind flour.  I have really been considering getting one of these and entered myself.  But if you are interested in entering as well, here is the link:
 http://heavenlyhomemakers.com/nutrimill-giveaway-from-paulas-bread/comment-page-3#comment-107927

September Goal

This summer, I have not really made any big goals except to just get through the summer intact.  As I have been thinking about what I wanted to do with the kids going back to school, I knew I wanted a couple of things.  To make my life easier with the craziness that comes with school, homework, soccer, etc.  And to try to get back to feeding my family better.

So my September goal is to......meal plan.  Yes, I know this has been my goal before.   When I have done this before though, I always just did it for dinner.  But breakfast and lunchtime are just as difficult for me.
I really want to send my kids off to school with a nutritious meal, ready to face the day.  And with 2 kids needing school lunches, one of whom is super picky, I am going to need to be very creative and very organized.

The meal planning is important because my other goal is to start feeding my family healthier more whole foods.  I have made a few changes over the last year but I really want to jump in big.  And in order to do that, I need to be organized.  This summer, having a CSA has really reminded me of how good fresh whole foods are.  So much better than prepackaged foods.  Plus, we have already been limited in what kinds of packaged foods we can have due to my son's peanut allergy. Now I want to incorporate even more homemade foods, using more nutritious ingredients.

That being said, I have no idea what we are having for the next few ideas, leftovers tonight, big salad tomorrow night maybe, BBQ with friends saturday night and eating out sunday night (kids are at Nana's!)  I don't have breakfasts' and lunches figured out.  See why I need this so badly?!

My hope is to have a routine with breakfasts and lunches to make it a lot easier.  Say eggs and cereal on tuesdays, pancakes on wednesdays, homemade zucchini or banana bread and smoothie on thursdays.... that will stay consistent week to week and make my life much easier.  Over the next couple of days, I am going to sit down with my kids and makes lists of things they want to have and set up a schedule.

If I have anything amazing recipe to post, I will be sure and share it with you.  If you have any great suggestions, let me know.  I am sure I can use all the help I can get!

Feeling convicted

     My mom became a Christian in her 30's.  She was (and still is) an avid reader and an early riser.  I remember waking up in the mornings and finding her drinking her coffee and reading the Bible.  She was always able to quote scripture to encourage people and it wasn't because she had memorized it in Sunday School.  She knew it because she read the Word regularly.

     This is something I really struggle with.  I go through spells where I am diligent reading scripture and then spells where I go weeks or even months without opening my Bible other than for church.  I am totally ashamed writing that.

     I want to be the kind of mom where my kids see me reading the Bible, where I can encourage them with God's words and not my own, where I can be an example for them to follow.  I also know that I am usually in a better place mentally and definitely in a better place spiritually when I am regularly reading my Bible.
This is something God has put on my heart recently.  I need to get back into the Word.  I know that if I obey Him in this, my life will feel less stressful, I will handle things better, yell at my kids less, be kinder to my husband....I know this.  But I have been struggling with just getting started.   I thought about making this my September goal but realized I need to make this a life changing goal, not just something I do for a month.
    
     As I was praying about this last week, I realized that the only thing I have been faithful in over the last few years is praying.  And the reason I have been faithful in it is that I have accountability with my prayer partner (if you don't have a prayer partner, I greatly encourage you to get one.  It is an amazing thing knowing someone is praying for you on a regular basis and keeps you praying regularly as well).

     What better way to get back into the Word than to have some accountability.  So I emailed my prayer partner and asked if she wanted to venture into this with me.  Today she agreed and I cannot tell you how excited I am for this.  We are going to set a simple weekly goal and then email each other at the end of the week and say what we felt we learned from the portion of scripture we read. 

     What I love about this is that it's a weekly goal.  I wish I was faithful to read every day but right now it is hard on some days to fit it in.  Getting up early is not always an option when I already get up at 5 for work. So a weekly goal will work well for me.  I will keep you posted on how it's going.    

August

Today is August 15th.  August....August.   Yes, I am repeating that to myself because I can hardly believe this month is half over.  Half over.  School starts in 3 weeks (I think, I am actually avoiding looking at the calender and figuring it out exactly b/c I can hardly believe it).
So I am halfway through the month and have no real goals.  At this point, I am just hoping to survive the month, enjoy the last moments of summer, and get the kids ready for school. 
Maybe in September I will have something better for you.
As for July, I think it was to get as much fresh fruit as possible. We didn't get any blackberries.  Still hoping to get some of those but we picked lots of raspberries and blueberries.  We will be getting about 50 pounds of peaches next week to deal with and I would still love to get a bunch of green beans.  
This summer has just been too crazy.  I like to tell myself it will be a little less chaotic once school starts but then I start thinking about soccer practice and homework and carting kids to and from school and really, who am I kidding? So let's just enjoy a little bit more of summer while we can!

Loss

I sit at my dining room table in the very crazy hours of the morning looking at a picture of my friend Gloria.  Those who know me well, know she was my best girlfriend.  And she died.  And it was awful.  Almost 9 years later, I still miss her all the time.  I dream about her.  I think about what it would have been like to be 80 years old with her sitting on a porch, talking about our lives.
Loss.
My father leaving us.
My pastor's son dying of leukemia when I was little.
My grandfather dying of a heart attack when I was a teenager.
A boy from my school committing suicide when he went away to college.
My other grandfather and an uncle dying within weeks of each other.  One expected, one not.
Gloria. 
I haven't had a personal loss in a few years.  However, in the last few weeks, a friend lost a sister to cancer,  another friend lost a grandmother, another friend received papers of divorce, some people from church lost their house in a fire.
My heart breaks for all of them.  As Christians, we often try to find the positive.  They are in a better place, they are no longer suffering, don't store your treasures on earth, God can turn anything into His good. 
These are all extremely true. You cannot deny any of them.
But what I am reminded of is this verse "Jesus wept."
He wept.  Why?  He knew where Lazarus was going.  He knew all of those positive things.  He knew the joys of heaven yet He wept for life lost on earth.  So why did He weep? 
Was it for Himself?  Was it because He didn't get there in time? Was it for Mary? For Martha?
Why?  Why did He weep when He knew so much more?
Here is what I have decided in the midst of all this.  And I haven't studied it or read up on what scholars might think.  I am absolutely not knowledgable about what the root of the word was, etc, you get the point.  But what I have come to believe is that yes He knew.  He knew what you and I would need.  He knew it was okay to grieve.  To be sad.  To mourn.  Jesus showed us every emotion.  So we would know it is okay.  It is normal.  It is essential.  We need to mourn so that we can accept it.  So that we can continue living.  Continue being the people He called us to be.
But what if you aren't the person experiencing the loss directly?  What if it is a friend who is suffering?  What if they are far away and you can't go to them? Can't hold them and cry with them and take them to coffee and let them talk or not talk?  Just to be there for them?  It's such a helpless feeling. 
The only thing I can do is pray.  Or should I say the best thing I can do is pray. And listen to God.  Listen to His nudgings when He tells me in the wee hours of the morning to write words that have been swimming in my head for a couple of weeks.  And not doing it eloquently at all.
But I have learned to listen.  To know that someone needs to hear the words God is having me write.  That someone I know and love is struggling right this very moment. In the middle of the night.  When things always seem  worse because we are alone in our thoughts.  When there is nothing to distract us from our hurts.
But I want you to know that you are not so alone in your thoughts.  That God does hear you. 
As I have been struggling to write, the beginning lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song "I Lift My Hands" comes to mind..."Be still, there is a healer"
He knows your loss.  He knows your ache.  He knows the storm that rages in your heart.  He knows. 
And as a mother who just took her son to the doctor today who was bleeding outwardly.  I get it.  All I wanted to do was take my son's pain away.  To put it on myself.  To hold him in my arms and let him know he was safe.  God put that feeling in me as a parent.  And I am only human. Bound by human limitations.  But God is not bound at all.  How much more did He want to hold my son? How much more did He want to comfort him?  To take his pain away?  How much more does He love my son than I do? It is hard to fathom.  Because my heart aches with love for him.  But God loves him more.
So, if you have had loss and an emotional storm is raging inside of you, know that God is there.  Every second.  He hears your heart.  Day and night.  He hears you.
   

July

How is it possible that it is July 7th already?  This summer has been so flaky weather wise that it hasn't even felt like summer and now it's July.
I am going to keep my July goal to something that already keeps me pretty busy this month every year but I always strive to do more.  And that is gathering and preserving as much fresh produce as I can.  By preserving I am limited to freezing b/c I don't know how to can, but that is a goal for another time.
So far we have gather strawberries, some peas, and spinach.  Hoping to do more peas, green beans, all sorts of berries, peaches, cabbage. 
We did this last year and we try to keep track of how much we did so that we know whether we need to do more of less for the next year. 
So that's my goal for the month.  Do yo have any goals this month?