Time

Time is a funny thing.  Sometimes we want it to go faster, sometimes we want it to slow down, sometimes we want it to just stop to savor the moment, sometimes we want to go backwards to relive or redo something, sometimes we wish we could just to the future.
Time.  When I got the news my friend Gloria had died in a car accident, it felt like time stood still.  Then all I wanted with her was more time.  More time to tell her all those important things that you think but often don't say.  Things like thank you for being my friend, for growing with me, for changing me, for being there when I suffered heartbreak and for laughing with me, for standing by my side when I got married, for encouraging me in all the important things.  Time with Glo was taken away in a heartbeat.  And I always wished I had one last moment with her to tell her all those things, or even just one thing more.  It doesn't matter that I know she knew it, I still wish I had a chance to say goodbye.  It is now 10 years later and my mom has terminal cancer. 
So right now, time is my enemy with my mom.  Time means the cancer is eating away at her, growing, gaining ground, invading more areas of her body.  Time is short.  We were told she might only live a few weeks if chemo didn't work and at most probably 8 months.  Time...right now she can function, drive, run errands.  But there will come a time when she will be too weak to do anything, to go to grandkids' functions, to take care of herself.
But time is also on my side.  Because I have it.  Because she wasn't taken away in a heartbeat.  Because God has granted me the chance to say the things I need to say, the time to develop lasting memories for my children, to work on her legacy.  Time for her to see her true value and the impact she has had on people's lives.  Time for God to do His work in the hearts of those who don't know Him.  Time for me to hear her voice, see her with my kids, watch her laugh or cry. 
Time.  Such a funny thing.  I can honestly say I look forward to the day when time doesn't matter.  When it doesn't have such a strong hold on my life.  But until that day comes, I will try to appreciate the time I have with her.  The hours, minutes, seconds that we get.  Each and every one of them is a gift, a precious gift and I am so grateful for it. 

Why I am back

At the beginning of this year, I was feeling quite overwhelmed with life.  The idea of the blog starting stressing me out which is sort of ridiculous.  At the time, I felt like I didn't have anything to contribute and it was just adding to my list of things I wasn't getting accomplished each day.  So after some prayer about it, I just stopped.  It was actually easier than I thought.  I thought I would miss it.  When I was blogging, I would write the postings in my head on my way to work.  Sometimes they actually got written out and sometimes not.  But when I stopped blogging, that kind of just stopped.
Until recently.   There has been so much going on in my life it makes me sort of laugh at what I thought was busy then and what is busy to me know just a mere 10 months later.
Amazing what a difference 10 months makes.  How drastically your life can change in no time at all. Things happen that you don't prepare for, cannot prepare for.
Anyone who reads this knows my mom has cancer.  Stage 4 lung cancer with metastasis to her liver and bone.  We got the diagnosis in mid-September and it has been a whirlwind since that time.  A craziness of doctors appointments, hospital visits, trips to the pharmacy, extra cooking, cleaning, running errands. 
I am not writing that for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am actually embracing the crazy, embracing the busy because it is easier.  It is easier to keep my hands from being idle so my heart doesn't have time to hurt, to think...
Obviously I have a lot to process.  And my brain has started up again.  Writing blog posts in my head to/from work.  So here I am.  I don't know where this is going to lead or how often I will actually write or if anyone will even read it.  But for me, this journey that I am on, needs to be written out.  There is so much going on, so much happening too fast that I don't know if I will remember it all.  But you see my time with my mom is short, shorter than I ever anticipated, probably shorter than I am willing to come to terms with at this very moment and I need to remember.  I need to remember her grace and peace, her rescuing me with my kids, going to soccer games and piano lessons, my kids cuddling on the couch with her, or watching as we shave her head....all of these moments are passing by.  Moments I would not have stopped to noticed before but that are so precious now. 
So here I am, sharing my journey.  My journey where my mom is going to die.  I realize that is blunt but it is the truth I have to face every day. 
Don't let that stop you though from reading.  It might be hard but what I have seen so far is amazing.  I want to share not just my journey but my mom's.  What God has done is a miracle to me and I can't wait to share it.
Stay tuned.