Loss

I sit at my dining room table in the very crazy hours of the morning looking at a picture of my friend Gloria.  Those who know me well, know she was my best girlfriend.  And she died.  And it was awful.  Almost 9 years later, I still miss her all the time.  I dream about her.  I think about what it would have been like to be 80 years old with her sitting on a porch, talking about our lives.
Loss.
My father leaving us.
My pastor's son dying of leukemia when I was little.
My grandfather dying of a heart attack when I was a teenager.
A boy from my school committing suicide when he went away to college.
My other grandfather and an uncle dying within weeks of each other.  One expected, one not.
Gloria. 
I haven't had a personal loss in a few years.  However, in the last few weeks, a friend lost a sister to cancer,  another friend lost a grandmother, another friend received papers of divorce, some people from church lost their house in a fire.
My heart breaks for all of them.  As Christians, we often try to find the positive.  They are in a better place, they are no longer suffering, don't store your treasures on earth, God can turn anything into His good. 
These are all extremely true. You cannot deny any of them.
But what I am reminded of is this verse "Jesus wept."
He wept.  Why?  He knew where Lazarus was going.  He knew all of those positive things.  He knew the joys of heaven yet He wept for life lost on earth.  So why did He weep? 
Was it for Himself?  Was it because He didn't get there in time? Was it for Mary? For Martha?
Why?  Why did He weep when He knew so much more?
Here is what I have decided in the midst of all this.  And I haven't studied it or read up on what scholars might think.  I am absolutely not knowledgable about what the root of the word was, etc, you get the point.  But what I have come to believe is that yes He knew.  He knew what you and I would need.  He knew it was okay to grieve.  To be sad.  To mourn.  Jesus showed us every emotion.  So we would know it is okay.  It is normal.  It is essential.  We need to mourn so that we can accept it.  So that we can continue living.  Continue being the people He called us to be.
But what if you aren't the person experiencing the loss directly?  What if it is a friend who is suffering?  What if they are far away and you can't go to them? Can't hold them and cry with them and take them to coffee and let them talk or not talk?  Just to be there for them?  It's such a helpless feeling. 
The only thing I can do is pray.  Or should I say the best thing I can do is pray. And listen to God.  Listen to His nudgings when He tells me in the wee hours of the morning to write words that have been swimming in my head for a couple of weeks.  And not doing it eloquently at all.
But I have learned to listen.  To know that someone needs to hear the words God is having me write.  That someone I know and love is struggling right this very moment. In the middle of the night.  When things always seem  worse because we are alone in our thoughts.  When there is nothing to distract us from our hurts.
But I want you to know that you are not so alone in your thoughts.  That God does hear you. 
As I have been struggling to write, the beginning lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song "I Lift My Hands" comes to mind..."Be still, there is a healer"
He knows your loss.  He knows your ache.  He knows the storm that rages in your heart.  He knows. 
And as a mother who just took her son to the doctor today who was bleeding outwardly.  I get it.  All I wanted to do was take my son's pain away.  To put it on myself.  To hold him in my arms and let him know he was safe.  God put that feeling in me as a parent.  And I am only human. Bound by human limitations.  But God is not bound at all.  How much more did He want to hold my son? How much more did He want to comfort him?  To take his pain away?  How much more does He love my son than I do? It is hard to fathom.  Because my heart aches with love for him.  But God loves him more.
So, if you have had loss and an emotional storm is raging inside of you, know that God is there.  Every second.  He hears your heart.  Day and night.  He hears you.
   

July

How is it possible that it is July 7th already?  This summer has been so flaky weather wise that it hasn't even felt like summer and now it's July.
I am going to keep my July goal to something that already keeps me pretty busy this month every year but I always strive to do more.  And that is gathering and preserving as much fresh produce as I can.  By preserving I am limited to freezing b/c I don't know how to can, but that is a goal for another time.
So far we have gather strawberries, some peas, and spinach.  Hoping to do more peas, green beans, all sorts of berries, peaches, cabbage. 
We did this last year and we try to keep track of how much we did so that we know whether we need to do more of less for the next year. 
So that's my goal for the month.  Do yo have any goals this month?